Monday, 7 November 2011


So I have been planning on writing more regularly here. And thought that since I was pregnant, now might be a perfect time to starting blogging and journaling my progress, right?

Last Friday, Jase and I headed off super excited to get my 12 week ultrasound. We get to see our little baby for the first time!

I lay on the chair as I have seen mummy do, I get the warm gel on my belly, and watch the picture appear. After a lot of probing, the radiologist sighs and says, "Ok, this isn't quite right... it's the worst part of our job to have to tell you this, but I can't find a heartbeat."

?! ?!

All sorts of emotions attack me, and I do everything in my power to stay completely calm and tear free. Jase starts slowly stroking my forehead. The radiologist leaves to get a 2nd person's opinion. A couple of stray tears manage to roll out of my non-blinking eyes.


He comes back, he's so kind and I can see he hurts for us. The woman with him repeats the procedure and indeed confirms, the lack of heartbeat, and a smaller foteus than it should be for the age.

The radiologist said they'd contact our doctor immediately, and told us we could leave without paying (private imaging centre) which was so kind of them. I ducked into work to let them know I wouldn't be back in that afternoon. Then we both drove home.

Crazy... so crazy... how can I be pregnant one minute, and not the next? It was our baby, it was a baby. I want it backkkkk. At home, all feel like doing is walking around; I can't sit still. I start doing housework. Jase is calling my parents for me. We've told like everyone now... I thought 10 weeks would be safe enough. I send a group text out to the people I've told. Everyone's reply was so kind; lots of people are praying for us right now.

But what about the hat mum gave me for it? She wanted to give me it's first present. Now it will have to lie in the draw till... who knows... I am torn between trying again for a baby immediately and giving myself 10 years.

My cousin Jess brings me flowers. Huge white lillies, white carnations and yellow gerberas. They are perfect and their perfume fills the house straight away. Makes me think that our little one's spirit is a sweet smell that is rising up to the LORD. I'm going to make those small, fluffy white carnations our baby's flower.


I'm not angry. We've only been married 9 months. There's time. Maybe we can get to Europe next year after all. Whatever the case, this will take a bit of getting used to. Disappointment and shock are the words.


Thank you LORD that our baby doesn't get to see the cruelness of this world. I know you will love him/her for me.



  1. I'm so sorry you lost your first precious baby :( I'm sure one day the two of you will get to experience the joy of your own bundle of cuteness xxoo

  2. Oh, Hannah! Many hugs and much love your way. I had no idea. I don't know what to say - what can you say when someone has lost something so precious? So I'll keep it short and say that I'm praying God will give you the peace that only He can. xoxo

  3. Oh, and the carnations are beautiful. Good choice! I'll think of you whenever I see them. xoxo

  4. I came across your blog today through Amanda's. I also happened to follow your wedding on weddings by color (you started blogging on that site after I had left off updating about my wedding, but I saw your and I think added you to my favorites and followed your wedding). And then I came across this today and I can't help but feel like I was supposed to find it. I just had a miscarriage this last weekend and I'm still trying to deal with it a little bit. I wasn't as far along as you were (I was about nine weeks and not really showing), so I can only imagine how you felt, but I sympathize and my heart broke reading this. I has helped me reading what someone else felt going through this process that's about my age (I don't really have any friends who even want kids right now, let alone have had a miscarriage). So I thought I'd thank you for sharing your experience and let you know it has helped someone out in the random world.

    1. Dani! I am so glad you found this! And I sympathize with you so much. (I too, am one of the only one's amongst my friends who is wanting a family so young!)

      I know, I thought I was like the ONLY ONE going through something like this. Yet when I shared it on facebook, dozens of girls/ladies came out of their shells and shared that they had lost their first, or a couple somewhere along the line.

      People seem to think they need to hide these things, or be ashamed of them. But I realized pretty quickly that it's the wrong way to handle it. It's almost good that we tell our friends when we first get pregnant, so that they can sympathize and won't come out with insensitive comments like "So, when are you guys going to start trying for a baby?" And girls need to know that this is so normal, and that there is nothing wrong with them.

      I'm so glad this encouraged you, and THANK YOU for sharing with me. Girls have gotta be there for each other.

      In time you will see a good side to it, God brings children into the world in His perfect timing. I'll be praying for you. Find me on facebook if you'd like to talk about it more (Hannah Rodgers). xxx

  5. oh my gosh am only seeing this now and it just broke my heart! hannah am so sorry you went through this and i love how u reacted to it... only God knows why.. sending u love all the way from angola

    1. Thanks for reading Chica... God does know best. Thank you for your love!


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